A sense of sadness rushes over me as I read my last and only two blog posts, both of which set the tone of ambition and change to be taking place. The start of a new and improved me, of releasing fears, reaching goals, and chasing dreams. Both portray the image of exactly what I want to accomplish with this blog, and my life, in hopes of also touching or relating to others in some way.
I had a few realizations just from reading back on those two posts.
My fears I spoke of were not limited to those I listed. A more valid fear I see is my fear of being vulnerable. My fear of truly acknowledging and revealing my true self, my authentic self. I write up these posts and have images of what I want my ideal self (or words) to portray to others, because I want them to be perfect. I want to share as much as I can and in the right way. But the truth is, there is so much that I do not know. I’m continually growing and learning, and I do not always have the right answer. Because of this, it stops me from sharing my current experiences, which are sometimes not inspirational or enlightening or providing the answer to a solution. Many times, it is the complete opposite.
I also realize that I am still coming into who I truly am meant to be. I desperately want to be there already, and feel I cannot share my words with others until I have reached that point. Part of it is, I think I am fearful of who that person may be – my true self – because of what others may think. As if others won’t approve of the real me – my thoughts, views and beliefs on certain things, my real interests and passions that are at the core of my being, my true essence.
“Here I am, writing my first blog post, again.”
My previous words show me that I have been repeating my same old habits. The very same reasons that stopped me from continuing before or what have stopped me this past year. YEAR! But every time I seem to get a lot closer to figuring things out, it always seem to change, which then leads to more discouragement.
“One of the most important things I have to remind myself about is to not think so much, but to just do.”
Maybe if I took my own advice for once, I would be further along. I’ve always been good at that – giving others advice but not always taking it for myself. My own words I stated before resonate deeply with me. I often get caught up in my own thinking about what to do or how things should be done, rather than just doing, rather than just going with the flow.
“Do something for yourself because you owe it to yourself to find out what all you are fully capable of, regardless of the outcome.”
What I take from this now is to not write this blog for others, but for myself. I need this for my own self-expression, even if it means revealing the darker parts of me. Maybe in the midst of all that, inspiration will still come to others. But if not, at least I – my authentic and true self – can at least still break free.
